Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
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Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.