I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
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If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol