When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
The biggest mystery of our time
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.