COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.