One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend