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*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wifeโs shoes when sheโs not home
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[speed dating]
Her: Iโm a little bit country.
Me: Iโm a little bit ready for the next person.
Dragon fire canโt melt stone pillars. Kingโs Landing was an inside job.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
normalize asking bartenders if theyโve โheard any rumours latelyโ so they can give you a fun little side quest
me: ok so imagine if you were a horseโ
my sister: bold of you to assume iโm not, but continue
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadnโt been cleaned properly which heโd personally cleaned.
โI want you inside me,โ I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.