When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
This probably isn’t good
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
He wanted to make sure😂
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
#titanic
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?