Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
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Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.