Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Finally!