I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
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I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.