My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.