CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Yes, but it was never about money
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Xylophonist Shredding It
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”