Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
LOOOOOOL
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…