Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.