The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I cannot stop laughing at this
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now