No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.