You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
😅😅😅
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
lmfao
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”