*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
You Might Also Like
Peace was never an option
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.