In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try