I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”