This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
we’re dead?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones