At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
We decided to have money instead of children.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
every. time.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.