They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
You Might Also Like
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*