[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself