Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
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him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for