One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
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Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂