[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
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