Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
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PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
good for her
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I get distracted pretty eas