[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat