Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
You Might Also Like
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
this is the greatest thing ever
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some