If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
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on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*bites zombie*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I just tested negative for patience.