I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’m giving up ice.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.