Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.