Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Software Development ⛵️
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.