My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
A wise man once said nothing.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!