The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
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walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Nice try Hitler
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
How your email finds me
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.