I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok