centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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