*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
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This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”