*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
mom gave me mine for free
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
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