The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.