I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.