Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
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Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
How to find Kentucky on a map
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
wow
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄