Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
When you’ve simply given up.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.