No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
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I know this now 😂
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
This is why I hate group projects
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*seductively eats two tums*
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend