ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Super Hand Dog Face
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice