Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.