ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
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Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone