Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight