My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.